photographers of pornography and cheesecake:
stop putting animals in your pictures.
through a recent issue of a periodical I buy for its articles, I
happen on "Bella," a passably attractive bottle blonde
posing nearly nude in a fake ice cave. The snow is polyfiber; the
ice is lucite. Wearing just a pair of knee-high silver boots and
two rings (one ring on her middle finger and one in her navel),
she's perilously underdressed for the fake climate. No doubt
shell need Han Solo to gut his Tauntaun presently.
her side, at the opposite end of a silver chain she's holding,
is a wolf. Or a wolf-dog, or Alaskan Malamute, maybe. Now, I'm a
broad-minded consumer of pornography. A fellow has to be willing
to suspend some disbelief to liaise sexually with a magazine. Therefore,
I can overlook the weird sci-fi SantaLand set. But what's this
dog doing here?
see animals in girlie pictures often, and it's weird. Maybe
the photographer hopes the juxtaposition suggests the model's something
of a wild beast herself... nothing but a mammal, apt to do it like
they do on the Discovery Channel. But ask any man whose date wouldn't
get busy while her cat was watching: Bella is not in a sexual situation.
the reader doesn't want to see Bella nude anymore, but wearing long-sleeved
denim coveralls and one of those K-9 trainer-style padded cast-sleeves.
You cannot be too careful when it comes to animal safety! If this
dog jumps on Bella playfully, or even affectionately, she's
going to get some nasty scratches. She does not, after all, have
any clothes on. However, as this is a "gentleman's" publication,
to have Bella appear in a bite-suit would defeat the purpose of
her appearing at all. Therefore, out, damned Spot.
course, Bella's dog is probably well-trained. It may even be sedated.
(If so, maybe it and Bella both started posing in skin mags for
the same reason: to fund their respective downer habits.) Maybe
its trainer is on the set, overseeing everything, ensuring nothing
goes wrong. But I don't want to think about him; I'm trying to liaise
here. And even careful animal trainers cannot always prevent a mauling.
Did you see that lion tamer getting attacked on Extra a couple
Well, it was fucked up.
a poster I saw in shopping mall print and frame shops when I was
a kid: a dark-haired woman, reclining, her secondary sex characteristics
concealed under a judiciously draped python. Or it may have been
a boa constrictor. They're hard to tell apart. (One difference is
that pythons are oviparous, meaning that female pythons produce
eggs that hatch after they have been excluded from the body. By
contrast, their more widely distributed Boidae family cousins, the
boas, give birth to live young. Boas are ovoviviparous, meaning
they form eggs that develop within the body of the parent, but without
nutritive or other metabolic aid by the parent. None of this was
pictured, however. I would have remembered that.)
OK, I get it. The snake is, like, a phallic symbol or whatever.
And a sledgehammer of a symbol it is, too... a thick fellow in the
grass, if you know what I mean! But a snake cannot be a phallus.
His scales will catch. I guess he is also meant to allude to original
sin and the Fall, or some shit. None of this, however, is the least
bit hot. Quite to the contrary, it drains the sexuality plumb out
of the picture. Naked women are in girlie magazines so that men
can imagine themselves bedding them. But my man, you can not have
sex with this woman, naked though she is. There is a snake on her.
troubling to consider, but am I supposed to imagine these animals
and models as partners in zoophilic sex acts? In the back pages
of the magazine featuring Bella, there are ads for special interest
films with ambiguous but suggestive taglines. Fun on the Farm
vaguely promises "scenes of beautiful women performing acts
you never thought they would!" Freak Me Doggie Style
features "freaky women and their deepest desires!!" Presumably
these videos do not feature bestiality, but there's no disclaimer
here to discourage the optimistic deviant. I assume they comprise
scenes of women performing legal sex acts with other humans, proximate
to animals. I'll pass.
so, pornographers, please, from now on, for my sake, keep your spreads
free of fauna. Stick to situations with which everyone can identify...
like two 27-year-old women having a slumber party that turns Sapphic,
or a sexy public defender pleasuring her client through the bars
of the county jail.
if you'll excuse me, I have to drape little curtains over all my
bird cages and herpetaria, so I can masturbate without being watched,
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