/ Opposite Day in Iran
from page 1)
there is a side of me that somewhat relishes this image of
the confused homicidal whitepower fascistic gypsy, the Iranian.
Rather than to see this as say scary, I choose
to embrace the verboten sexiness and the fact that most media-savvy,
well-or-even-non-educated, white grown-ups, when really considering
this combo, tend to congratulate us on our assimilation-prowess,
our excellent grasp of the language, our good manners, lack
of ethnic anger and feelings of cultural vindication, all
most likely in the name of opting not to fuck with us.
Doesnt America think you are evil?
So are you evil?
do you feel about America saying you were born in a country
that is part of the Axis of Evil?
am sure our resident reigning whiteyrighties believe Iran
is some combustible ethical Hades, filled like an éclair
with nuclear cream, but all I can say is hey. [Shrug]
real problem rather is what I call commercial-break
syndromethe peace-sign-flashing interventionist
distracters who pop up every time someone wrongs an other
in the name of cultural saviordom. The albatross at my Aryan
neck is the left-wing liberals who love us dune-goons! You
know the type: they recite Sufi poetry, think veils are actually
quite striking, will only cook Basmati rice, do
yoga even though Iran has nothing to fucking do with India
(what about some Iranian national sports like wrestling +
soccer, you fucking hippie?), love sitar and other archaic
middle eastern instruments even though in Iran they are still
rocking out to Like A Virgin-era Madonna and Smooth
Criminal era Jacco...and they might even do horrible things
like name their children Aliafter the prophet whose
elaborate harem included his favorite nine-year-olda
name they also like, Aisha. Their dream is to go to Shiraz.
To swim in the Caspian sea. To read Rumi in the original.
Salman Rushdies politics confuses them.
people dont count.
George Ws January State of the Union Axis of Evil
speech. The offending statement: Iran aggressively
pursues these weapons and exports terror, while an unelected
few repress the Iranian peoples hope for freedom.
Okay, the term Axis of Evil is very He-Man and
Skeletor and yes, Bush is a reductive simpleton but the offending
sentence...not wrong! Ask any Iranian in Iran: nobody is happy!
Newsflash: the people are oppressed! An Iranian who
does not agree their homeland government is evil is just wrong
or works for them.
Plus, lets put it in contextevery trio has its
unlikely member. With the Axis, we could all agree that Iraq
did a few things over time to merit membership. North Korea...
well, little did we know what a crazy ho NoKo would be, begging
for a lil American-spankie... but Iran? Well, Iran,
didnt as obviously fit in. Lets consider Iran
the Jan Brady, the Larry of the Stooges, the non-blond Dixie
chick, the Lucy Liu of the new Angels. Iran could be in or
out and the Axis would carry on.
does Bush hate Iran? Certainly. Do all right-wing Republicans
hate Iran? Well, yes. But they go where the money (or oil)
goes. After all, everyones favorite rotund righty, good
ol Newt Gingrich recently had this to say: Iranian-Americans
have contributed much to America since they arrived in the
last several decades. We are proud of your heritage and of
the added strength you have brought to our communities nationwide.
(Psyche! Opposite Day! In 1995 Gingrich declared that Iran
was the most dangerous country in the world and
a permanent, long-term threat to civilized life on this
planet. Ol Gingy was the one who spearheaded Congress
passing the $18 million covert action authorization bill for
the CIA to go buckwwild in Iran and some day dethrone the
Hate? It is hard to tell. But the key to understanding Iranian
sentiment is the same logic as flipping coins: Heads OR Tails.
One side or anotherone toss goes one way, then the next
toss maybe the other, over and overbut the coin will
never, ever land on its edge. If it does, DO NOT TRUST THE
Okay, Im trying to learn to be one of those who loves
Iranians. Are there any cool famous Iranian I can namedrop?
real question here is are Iranians cool? Cool, remember is
different than good, or right. We all know black people are
cool, and most may agree, white people arent. Brazilians:
cool; Canadians: not cool. New Yorkers: cool; West Virginians:
not cool. This is a fairly black-and-white science, it seems,
except for when it comes to Iranians. Still somewhat,
but particularly in the age of irony, Id argue, many
Iranians have helped push Iran on the it rather
than shit list.
by my list of bedazzling Irazzles:
war correspondent Christiane Amanpour. Shes hot.
Okay, hot in that handsome Georgia OKeefe babe way,
but totally hot on the inside for sure. Known for wearing
desert combat couture whether in Baghdad or in Atlanta, Amanpour
has style. She was tight with JFK Jr. And even fucking Gwyneth
said in Vogue last year that if she could be anyone
on earth, shed be AmanpourGwyneth called her punk
rock, probably the only usage of punk rock
that Gwyneth will ever be allowed to use in her life.
Iranian cinema art house: Kiarostami, Makhmalbaf,
and the gang. No one even knows what to say when an Iranian
art film comes out. Brilliant. Its just all good.
Genius, every frame. Acting: so real. Boy,
these Iranian must have some pain. So poetic. The shit
gets so praised that its almost sickening. SO many awesome
western critics are riding these banned filmmakers jocks that
I have often heard Iranians, with a cool anti-western contrarianism,
trying to convince Americans that the movies actually suck,
and are boring. Right? Opposite day.
Mercury aka Farokh Bulsara! Yup. This makes everyone happy.
A flaming homosexual, AIDS-casualty glam rock icon who is
from one of the most homophobic cultures in history, from
a country with the lowest AIDS rate and thus the most severe
lack of AIDS education in the world. Daddy is mortified.
I. I am kinda cool.
Any famous Iranians who suck?
The Ayatollahs: SUCK.
musicians: last summer in an attempt to do something culturally
relevant Daddy takes me to an Axis of Love
concert. These clowns are part of a respected classical ensemble,
all doing some culturally conscious world music shit. Terrible.
Dates-eating, hookah-bar seeking dreadlocked and henna-ed
white liberals swaying and nodding everywhere. Heinous. And
what of the new Persian rap singers? On the forefront:
Da Ali who does Tupac hooks in sitar for songs
like Da Akhond Fucker [translation: the
Islamic Priest Fucker, which admittedly is kind of awesome.]