/ Opposite Day in Iran
from page 2)
What about just so-so Iranians?
between it and shit, theres
a lot. Most Iranians, like all of humanity, I think exist
in this region. You decide:
Omidyar, eBay founder. Kinda cool. But also remember,
this man has ruined your life, robbed you, made you sell your
Prada-best for bus change, got you chastised at work, who
the fuck is he? And an Iranian named Pierre? This is the type
of guy who will ask me why my nickname isnt Patricia.
supermodel AngylinaI dont know
a lot of about this woman, but anyone who does, please send
my way. A real enigma. I cant tell if she does porn
or not. Looks like a lot of unavailable swimsuit calendars.
She seems to like wearing bikinis paired with construction
hats. Fake tits: 90210 Persian. Kinda hot, I guess? But
I find the spelling of her name not only boringly uniranian,
but somehow nausea-inducing I dont know how the hell
she gets away with this nude supermodel schtick,
but it seems psychoculturally explainable and somehow... ballsy.
Le Bonok, a halfie but lets just say only
a real 80s strumpet fag hag with some Iranian in her
would actually think to wed and then stay married to ol Simon.
player Mohammed Khakpourdecided to stop making
goals for Iran and turned tricks on NJ/NY Metrostars team.
How much better would it be if this guy was hot?
Pakzaf, owner of Bijan apparel and fragrancesalmost
part of opposite day theory. Almost part of 80s cool.
His yellow convertible is always parked outside his Rodeo
store. Its like remember when you heard Rodeo was ritzy?
And then you went there and realized it was just gaudy? Thats
Bijan. With a front window that features all the names of
his well-known clients permanently engraved, The House of
Bijan is apparently the only appointment only
boutique in America. Persian people give his scent out for
gifts all the time, but I have never met a woman of Iran who
will wear it. Essentially, it smells like dirty geriatric
Eastern European whoreslike banging Zsa Zsa must equal
being buried in a yellow haze of musky Bijanery. But Americans
somehow humor this guy like crazy: his perfume bottle is featured
in the permanent exhibit collection of the Smithsonian.
But whats this I hear about your cultural benefactress...
am sure in a matter of a few months with the fall sitcom lineup
fully cemented, Iranian ancestors everywhere will be turning
over in their graves.
when you thought cool might win, this week NBC
and the producers of bullshit some among you must watch like
3rd Rock from the Sun and That 70s
Show, bring you Whoopi, the first show in
commercial network history to feature a live fucking hoop-jumping,
beans, Whoopi. But when this Iranians function is to
inspire in an eyebrowless asexual sista named Whoopi witticisms
like, Dont scare the white people, Your
people scare me, I see two or three of you on a plane and
Im off, I have some comments for her. First, interesting,
sista, cause some of your people scare me and my people
and, um, every people. Secondly Whoopi, you aint even
takin planes, ho! Whoopi makes sure to highlight in
every bio that she does not even fly, she takes buses cross
country. I guess my people have spooked her permanentlyit
is a true fact that Iranians, unlike black Americans, do not
take buses cross country. You can have the buses, girl, and
my people will take the planes.
any case, Whoopis dancing monkey is Nasim the handyman,
played by Iranian-Brit stand-up comedian Omid Djalili. Omid
in Farsi means hopeopposite day. Nasim makes
me truly hopeless. Apparently with him and an ebonics-spewing
white-trash wiggerette character, Whoopi hopes she this show
will get people talking about issues. Issues?
Edification from a woman named Whoopi? And what
do Iranians have to do with issues? Iranians seem
to be the only Middle Easterners I know who arent shitting
bricks to defensively work to de-link themselves from 9/11.
Iraqi. Afghani, Arab anything. But Iran? O fellow sandniggers
of my Aryan Nation, the real threat is not trigger-happy Dubyathe
real threat is... the Whoop.
familys verdict, I would wager, will be typical of the
Iranian masses at large: I hate this Iranian on Whoopi.
Daddywho loves all Iranians, fat people, and funny thingswhen
presented with Omid, says I have no idea who the hell
he is. There are no Iranian handymans however.
Mother, who regards Whoopi as the completion of the trinity
of her favorite-actors-from-favorite-movie along with Demi,
and Swayze, on the other hand, declares, you prove nothing
by being hard on Whoopi. Still when presented with an
image of Djalili she is horrified that a man with such
lack of looks can make it so big in America.
country! Havent we learned benevolent ethnic people
do not save anything? Do you remember Yakov Smirnoff? What
do you remember him for? Whatta country. Right.
But doesnt this come at an opportune time? Isnt
this good for the image of Iranians?
Yeah, if you live in the land of Care Bears and Rainbow Brite
where Yasser Arafat is Betty Spaghetti and Israel is Narnia.
Grow the fuck up.
is dangerous. The US is dangerous. Iran has toys, the US has
Axis of Evil image is a hell of a lot more relevant
and workableand hell, Ill even wager, preferablethan
this Whoopi-slave. Give me machine guns and beards and turbans
before an Iranian minstrel show please!
course, like those sporadic Jan Brady episodes, Axis-of-Evil-forgotten-child
Iran may be prepping for her moment in the spotlight. Currently
U.S. Central Command reports some contingency plans for war
with Iran, but there is no active discussion yet.
Word has it that Israel plans to bomb the Bushehr nuclear-power
plan that hasnt even finished construction yet. But
Israel is on the ballroutes have been mapped on how
to destroy it ala Iraqs Osriaq plant in 1981, which
some analysts believe kept Saddam from acquiring the bomb.
have to be paranoid to survive, we all know that. But then
again, Iran has tested 600-mile-range ballistic missiles that
can reach Israel and carry nuclear, biological or chemical
a conspiracy theory: Saddam has nuclear weapons. Iran, a country
known for churning out more nuclear physicists than you can
shake a stick at (including my own Dad), has nuclear weapons.
Okay? Pass it on.
liberals sayopposite day!no way. Way, oh way.
Why not. Remember 9/11? The lesson for the new millennium:
think the worst, and even then you probably havent got
itsomeone somewhere is thinking something worse. Such
But are you right?
No. Yes. No. Perhaps I am just as unfit as fucking Nasim,
but my global philosophy comes from the culture I assimilated
to most wholeheartedlythat of my undergraduate art school
rich-bitch education at Sarah Lawrence, where designer
imposter described the mass persona of the student body
more than a fragrance knockoff...back then the old school
lured me and many immigrant Valley Girls with a slogan that
screamed special and yet like everyone else,
truly a genius pairing in its simultaneous optimism and pessimism:
You are different and so are we.
we can adopt that lil function machine logic to Iranian geo-political-moral-positioning,
this is all I can conclude: You are evil and so are
this column in The Modernist's forums.